Empty

I feel empty tonight, drained out of all that is me. It is, I suppose, the final dropping of a long line of dominos-the eventual product of a perpetual line of motions. I have felt this way before in brief and quickly fading moments, but never for so long. My umph has disappeared and I'm not sure how to get it back. I just want to rest. I want to stop fighting for things and never see them come to pass, to stop arguing to attain things that should be so simple but never are. I need my own personal cheerleader to convince me that it's worth getting back to. I detest apathy and yet right at this moment I am in the center of it. I don't WANT to care anymore. aren't you supposed to be in your thirties before hitting midlife crisis? I feel like I'm being so depressing writing this down and yet somehow seeing the words makes it better, easier to bear. I'm not ready to go back to school in a week and a half. I'm not even sure I'm ready to face Christmas. I haven't yet had time to realize the season is here, so different from ten years ago. I want to be five years from now, all the decisions made, mabe even married. This is so full of I yet today it seems I have nothing else to offer but me and that in itself seems a poor choice. My little brother has introduced me to the World of Warcraft since I came home and if I were allowed to I htink it would be very easy to loose myself in that world. Airae knows who she is and where her purpose lies. She is strong and growing stronger. She's accomplishing things. It's too bad that her world is just a pixelated image of ones and zeros. If only we too could have tutorials that popped up to give us directions, people had little yellow question marks over their heads to show they had a quest for completion and pointing at a person or thing gave you all its vital stats. I need to go to bed. There's a snow storm coming so I have to be up earlier to make sure I can make it to work in the morning. Night. God Bless